


Helpless

by Anxiouslykitty



Series: Strong Women Cry [3]
Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Anger, Cuddling & Snuggling, Danger, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fear, Female Friendship, Friendship, Gen, Long-Distance Relationship, Nudity, Secrets, Self-Doubt, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27019201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anxiouslykitty/pseuds/Anxiouslykitty
Summary: Chrisjen tries to cope with The Ring crisis...
Relationships: Arjun/Chrisjen Avasarala, Chrisjen Avasarala/Bobbie Draper
Series: Strong Women Cry [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1967755
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

"Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on" Chrisjen yelled.

She was in a room full of the top personal dealing with The Ring and staring at screens that made no sense to her. She had watched as the Rocinante went into The Ring and then as the rest of the ships followed. As the reports came in with the crew manifests Chrisjen became more riled up desperate for information. She knew too many people who were on those ships. 

"Ma'am there's about a four hour delay to the ships remaining outside The Ring. We don't know anything more about what is happening to the ships inside The Ring" a nervous man said from the corner of the room.

"So they could all be fucking dead and we wouldn't know" Chrisjen growled. 

"Yes ma'am" the man whispered. 

Chrisjen stood from her chair and stormed from the room. The purple fabric of her elaborate outfit flowed behind her. She headed straight for her office and slammed the door behind her. 

They weren't dead. They weren't dead, Chrisjen kept telling herself. She had to cling to the hope that she hadn't just sent hundreds of people to their deaths. She needed to believe that the young people she had gotten to know on the Rocinante hadn't just died. As much as she had a soft spot for Holden and his crew she'd always felt like they were more a tool she could use. Bobbie on the other hand had found a weak spot in Chrisjen. She cared a great deal for the troubled marine. She needed to believe Bobbie was alive. It was a cruel twist of fate her ship had been the one Mars sent into The Ring. 

Sitting down at her desk Chrisjen picked up her hand terminal. She typed in Bobbie's name and put on a big smile before starting to record a message. 

"Bobbie, I know you won't get this message for a while. The delay between Earth and The Ring is four hours and we can't communicate with you inside The Ring. So you have to make it out to get this message" Chrisjen began, looking into the hand terminal.

Chrisjen paused and swallowed hard. She didn't want to look upset on the video. She wanted Bobbie to be okay and she wanted to believe that Bobbie would make it out of The Ring and get this message. She hated not knowing and this situation was all about not knowing. With a deep breath she started again.

"I don't know how you ended up in the middle of all of this again. I hope it wasn't because of me this time" Chrisjen joked.

She stopped and looked down. This was stupid she had no reason to be this upset. Bobbie was not her family. She was nothing to Bobbie. She looked back up, her face soft and eyes sad. 

"Please just be okay. Please just survive this" Chrisjen whispered. 

She reached up and ended the transmission and sent it off. It's not the uplifting motivational message she had hoped to send. She hoped that Bobbie would understand and forgive her for being sentimental.

Setting the hand terminal down she leaned back in her chair. She was so tired. It felt like she hadn't gotten any sleep for months. Nothing ever stopped long enough for her to relax properly and get good sleep. She got up from her desk and laid down on the small couch she had in her office. Her mind was racing with all of the things that could go wrong, that were going wrong, that had already gone wrong. Slowly her body got heavy and her eyes shut. She drifted off into a troubled sleep.

The sound of the office door opening caused Chrisjen to jolt awake. Her heart was racing as she looked around to see who was coming in. Not many people entered without knocking. Her eyes landed on a member of her security team. He was standing nervously in the doorway watching her. He had obviously not known what to do when he found her sleeping. 

"Yes, what is it" Chrisjen barked. 

The guard straightened and gripped his hands behind his back. 

"Ma'am they're asking to come in," he announced.

"Give me two minutes," Chrisjen instructed. 

The guard stepped back out of the room and Chrisjen got up and went to the mirror to check herself. She couldn't remember a time she'd let herself fall asleep in her office. Normally she worked until she couldn't and then went to her residence. She would have been almost embarrassed if it had been anyone but a member of her security team who had come in and found her like that. Once put together she went and sat behind her desk. No one would know she had just slept away who knew how many hours. 

The room began buzzing with people as everyone filed in. Displays were pulled up on multiple screens. She looked around at all of them trying to make sense of what was happening.

"Madam Secretary, the ships have come back out of The Ring" someone announced. "Preliminary reports from the research vessel state that all ships took heavy casualties."

Chrisjen's mind began racing with the possibilities. Heavy casualties could mean a lot of things. How many people were on those ships because she put them there? How many of the people who died were there because she put them there? Was Holden dead? Or Amos? Or Alex? Or Naomi? Was Bobbie dead?

"Do we have a list of casualties" she heard herself asking. 

"No ma'am" someone replied.

She forced her mind to slow down. She needed to maintain her cool persona. She needed to appear like this information was not personal. This was easier when she was younger. It was easier when she cared about less people. With a deep breath she felt the familiar mask fall over her and she became the Secretary again.

"What other information do we have" she asked.

"It appears that gates have been opened to over a thousand different systems. We don't have enough information yet to determine what happened inside The Ring. We are waiting for a report from the research vessel and James Holden" someone informed, pulling up a large hologram of the portals on her desk.

She stared at the projection of the gates that The Ring had opened. This would be nothing but bad news for the system. This was just the beginning of the deaths. She felt like hours went by of asking and being asked questions. Trying to decide what to do and who should do what. They were still waiting for more information but the delay was horrible. Everything would take hours to get there and hours to get back. 

Frustration was starting to build up for Chrisjen. She didn't have any answers. She was not the kind of person to make snap decisions. It was much better to have all of the information and then make decisions. Right now she knew it was at least another two hours before the ships at The Ring would receive their last message. There was no point in arguing back and forth amongst themselves until there was more information. She stood from the desk abruptly and started to leave the room.

"Ma'am where are you going" Nancy Gao asked.

"Wherever the fuck I like" Chrisjen snapped back. "We're not getting anything done here. Let me know when we get another transmission."

She left without waiting for anyone's response. She knew they couldn't stop her and that when a transmission came in someone would come get her. Although she never wanted to be Secretary General it was nice knowing that before anything could happen she always had to be informed. It certainly made her life easier.

Chrisjen walked straight to her residence. Since she was sworn in as Secretary General she has had to keep a residence in the UNN building. It wasn't what she had wanted, but it was part of the job. The residence was sparse and decorated with only a few personal items. Arjun was probably already asleep so she kept the lights low and sat down in the living room. 

The thought of getting a strong drink crossed her mind, but she knew her day was not over yet. Before long a guard would come in and tell her that someone needed her for something. For now she settled for just relaxing in the only place that is even partially hers right now. The peace of knowing that nobody could just walk in made her feel safe. Something she did not often feel. People often confuse confidence with a feeling of safety. But Chrisjen knew they were not the same thing at all.

Her hand terminal chimed and pulled her from her thoughts. She groaned at the sound hoping it wasn't someone already trying to pull her back into a meeting. When she looked at the screen a little bubble popped up that said "Message From Roberta Draper." An unusual anxiety hummed through Chrisjen. Quickly she reminded herself that if Bobbie was sending a message then that meant she was alive. Chrisjen reached out to tap the message and was embarrassed to find her hand shaking a bit. 

The message began and Bobbie's face popped up on the screen. She looked okay, but not great. She was sitting in the infirmary in the autodoc on the Rocinante. She had on a tank top and Chrisjen could almost see the lights of a medical device on her stomach. Bobbie had been hurt but wasn't dead. Chrisjen swallowed hard, her mouth suddenly dry. 

"Well we're alive" Bobbie's message began. "Before you start worrying your pretty little head yes I'm in the infirmary. I got shot but it's healing up good. I’ll be out of here as soon as I’m done with this message."

Bobbie paused and looked down before looking back straight into the screen. Chrisjen wanted to know what was going on in Bobbie's mind. What was she thinking? She wished she could talk to her real time and find out what the hell happened inside that Ring. 

"It was crazy in there" Bobbie continued. "I don't even know how to start explaining everything that happened. I'm sure you'll be getting a million reports from the UNN. I'm sure you can tell I'm on the Roci…"

Bobbie stopped and closed her eyes. Chrisjen had seen Bobbie do this before. It's what Bobbie did when she didn't want to let her emotions get out of control. She was probably trying to keep herself from crying. There was something she wasn't saying. Something she was trying to hide with the joking tone and honesty about her injury. If nothing else had happened Bobbie would have tried to hide from Chrisjen that she'd been shot. Instead she had offered the information up freely. There was definitely something Bobbie wasn't saying. 

"I got your message when we came out of The Ring" Bobbie continued, once again the stoic marine. "You didn't put me there. Everything that happened in there happened because I chose to go. I don't want you blaming yourself for anything. You don't show it, but I know how much you hold things close to your heart. I don't want to be one of those things that weighs so heavily on you. "

Most people didn't see how sensitive and caring Bobbie was. To most people she was just a strong Martian marine. Chrisjen had seen the other side of Bobbie. The one who couldn't live with the way her government wanted her to lie about the boy on her team or who broke all the rules just to see the ocean. The one who held her while she cried and the one who cried because Chrisjen had yelled at her. Both parts made up the Bobbie that Chrisjen cared very deeply for. Here she was going through something terrible and she was worrying about Chrisjen. 

"I know you said the delay is long, so I'm sure you're going crazy waiting on information. We'll be traveling for a while. I'll be on the Roci for now. They're taking me back to Mars. I have to go back" Bobbie paused. "I just wanted you to know I'm okay, I survived."

The message ended and Chrisjen stared at the blank screen. Why would she say it like that? She has to go back. There was a reluctance there. Bobbie loved Mars, she did everything for Mars. Why was there now a hesitation in her voice? Before she could think any more about it she pressed a button to reply and began recording a message.

"Bobbie, I'm so glad to see you're okay" Chrisjen began with a smile on her face. "You're right this fucking delay is driving me crazy. It almost makes me want to be back in space."

She laughed at her own joke knowing Bobbie would find the notion of Chrisjen wanting to be in space funny. 

"I can see Holden really stuck his dick in it this time. Those gates are going to bring nothing but bad news. How is it he always finds himself right in the middle of this crap?"

Pausing for a second she tried not to let herself get irritated. She wanted to be smiling and calm for Bobbie. It wouldn't do having Bobbie worry about her when obviously Bobbie had something else going on. 

"I don't know how I feel about how nonchalant you are about being shot, but I'm glad you're healing. There's something you're not telling me though. It's a lot easier just to be honest with me because you know eventually I'll find out anyway" Chrisjen joked. 

"Please stay safe and message me back. Please tell me what happened" Chrisjen ended the message.

A sound behind her made her jump a little. She turned her head and saw Arjun walking up behind her. She hadn't meant to wake him. Arjun came up behind the couch and leaned down over her, running his hands down her arms until she was wrapped in an embrace from behind. He pressed his cheek to hers and held her tight. The closeness felt good. She leaned as much into it as possible with the back of the couch between them.

"Oh Arjun" Chrisjen whimpered. 

"Something has happened" Arjun said with no hint of question.

Unable or unwilling to put it into words again she just nodded her head. Although most of the time she was glad she was in a position to help protect Earth there were times she wished she could just walk away and be like everybody else. 

"Come to bed" Arjun instructed. 

"I can't," Chrisjen explained. "They'll be coming to look for me before long."

Arjun pulled away and Chrisjen immediately missed the closeness. She looked around to see what made him leave. Arjun was walking around the couch towards her. He grabbed a throw blanket from the end of the couch and sat down next to her. He gently threw the blanket over both of them and then pulled her close into his body. She rested her head on his chest and wrapped her arm across his stomach. 

“Who were you messaging” Arjun asked quietly.

“Bobbie Draper” Chrisjen replied. “Ships went into The Ring, she was on one of them. A lot of people died, but she’s okay. I just…”

“I know,” Arjun replied.

Arjun rubbed Chrisjen’s arm that was draped across his body and gave her a gentle kiss on the top of the head.

"Rest here" Arjun whispered. "Even if it's only for a little bit. I'll stay awake and listen for the door and your terminal."

Chrisjen didn't know how she had gotten so lucky to have a husband like Arjun. He was always so supportive of everything she did and she knew it couldn't be easy. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep in his arms. It felt safe. It felt like home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chrisjen thinks she has gone too soft...

Chrisjen hadn't gotten more than an hour of sleep on the couch with Arjun before someone had knocked at the door. Since then it had been hours of strategy meetings and guessing games. Waiting for responses from ships as they repaired and tried to limp back to their respective planets. They had gotten a report on the rapid deceleration and were getting reports on who had died. 

When information about the Rocinante carrying the criminal Clarissa Mao came in, Chrisjen argued for it. Some had wanted her transferred to the research vessel until a UNN warship could join it, but Chrisjen wouldn't have it. She knew that James Holden would ensure that Clarissa made it back to Earth because he could not be bought. 

The other bit of information that came through was a smaller report from the MCRN. Since the ships in The Ring had been working together some information was being shared between Earth, Mars, and the Belt. This report usually wouldn’t have been shared and probably wasn’t meant to be. It was a notice of disciplinary action for Roberta Draper for the involvement in the death of two fellow marines. Chrisjem was surprised when she came across the report. She had been slowly filtering through all of the reports the MCRN had sent over in an attempt to get a different perspective. This was not the perspective she was looking for.

The sun was coming up on a new day when Chrisjen sent everyone home. There was nothing more that could be accomplished if everyone was exhausted. When everyone had left she checked her terminal again to see if Bobbie had sent a message. Plenty of time had passed for Bobbie to have received Chrisjen’s message and reply. Still there was nothing. Chrisjen took her hand terminal and left for her residence. 

Arjun was cooking breakfast for himself when Chrisken walked into the residence. She was so tired but the food smelt so good. She walked into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around Arjun from behind. She rested her cheek against Arjun’s back and sighed. Arjun patted her arm and continued cooking his eggs.

“You want some,” Arjun asked.

Chrisjen hummed her agreement and squeezed Arjun a little tighter. Arjun dished the eggs up on a plate and grabbed a fork. He swung an arm back and pulled Chrisjen from his back wrapping his arm around her waist. She leaned into his side and he guided her to the table. She sat down and he placed the plate of eggs in front of her.

“Eat up” Arjun instructed.

While Arjun cooked his own eggs Chrisjen ate in silence. She was so tired she could feel her body slowing down. She felt heavy and she could feel her heart beating louder than normal. Chrisjen knew she needed to sleep soon or she would end up making herself sick. In the past seventy-two hours she had gotten maybe five hours of sleep. She finished the last few bites as Arjun sat down at the table. He took one look at her and stood back up.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Arjun cooed.

“You’re breakfast will get cold” Chrisjen responded.

“Come on you need sleep” Arjun instructed.

“I’m not a fucking child” Chrisjen barked trying to regain control.

Arjun just calmly helped Chrisjen from her chair and guided her to the bedroom. When Arjun began unwrapping her clothes she let him. Technically she could have gotten changed by herself, but it was nice to not have to do something for once. He was so gentle as he stripped her down that she desperately wanted to kiss him. He left her there completely nude to grab her a nightgown. Most women might feel uncomfortable standing nude in the bright light, but she never felt that way around Arjun. It didn’t matter to Arjun what she looked like and she thought she looked pretty good for her age.

Arjun came back and slipped a nightgown over Chrisjen’s head. The silk felt wonderful as it fell down around her body. She leaned forward and kissed Arjun gently on the lips. It was chaste but comfortable. Arjun guided her to the bed and tucked her in. He commanded the windows to go dark and the room became pitch black. Arjun leaned down and kissed Chrisjen’s forehead. 

“Get some sleep my love” Arjun instructed.

“My hand terminal” Chrisjen questioned.

“No you need to rest. Everything can wait at least for a few hours” Arjun argued.

“Bobbie…” Chrisjen began.

“Ok, if a message from Bobbie comes through I’ll wake you” Arjun aquescued. 

“I love you” Chrisjen whispered.

Arjun gave her another kiss and left the room. Chrisjen was asleep before Arjun was even out of the room. Her mind went blank and her body melted into unconsciousness. No dreams could break through her exhaustion and she slept soundly.

Chrisjen felt someone rubbing her arm and she opened her eyes slowly. Arjun was sitting on the edge of the bed and he had turned on the bedside lamp. He was holding her hand terminal and smiling. Bobbie must have sent a message. She sat up a little and reached for the hand terminal. Arjun pulled it slightly out of reach and Chrisjen glared at him.

“One message from Bobbie and one message in reply,” Arjun instructed. “Then you go back to sleep. Okay.”

“You’ve become offly fucking bossy lately” Chrisjen growled.

Arjun gave her a knowing look and Chrisjen nodded her agreement to his terms and smiled at him. She hoped he would never stop trying to take care of her. He handed her the hand terminal and left the room. It would have been okay if he had stayed but she appreciated that he gave her privacy. She wasn’t sure what Arjun thought of her relationship with Bobbie. She didn’t know what she thought of her relationship with Bobbie. She wasn’t even sure what her relationship with Bobbie was. It wasn’t clear when her life became so complicated, but it certainly had.

Chrisjen tapped the message and Bobbie’s face popped up on the screen. She was wearing the same thing as before, but she looked better. She had more color in her face and it looked like she might have gotten a little sleep. Still Chrisjen could see that something was wrong. Bobbie’s eyes were sad and she wasn’t even trying to fake a smile. 

“I’ll tell you what happened, but please don’t try and get involved. I’ve already made up my mind about what I’m doing” Bobbie began.

Chrisjen was not accustomed to being told what to do, but was starting to become used to Bobbie giving her orders. Though this was an order that Chrisjen was probably going to try and break. Nothing Bobbie could say would stop Chrisjen from wanting to help her. If it hadn’t been for Bobbie Chrisjen would be dead and she would owe Bobbie to a certain degree for the rest of her life. It wasn’t just about owing Bobbie her life though, she truly thought Bobbie was an amazing person and she wanted to see her have the best there was to offer from life.

“I don't know how much you know about what happened inside The Ring. I'm sure Holden has given you a report. Anyway, a lot happened in there. I went in with my team and I came out without them. The other three members of my team are dead and I had a hand in two of their deaths" Bobbie explained.

This much Chrisjen already knew, but she wanted to hear Bobbie's side of the story. There's no way Bobbie would have killed fellow Martians if there wasn't a reason. 

"They didn't really trust me from the start. The lieutenant was killed by the ring after he tried to throw a grenade in the core. That's what initiated the slow down. Then when we were sent down in the Behemoth to stop the transmission that Anna Volovodov was sending I didn't know it was Alex and Amos helping her. The three of us, me and Oshi and Trepp, found them and called out for them to stop recording and surrender" Bobbie continued. "Once I knew it was Alex and Amos everything went to shit. I tried to stop Oshi and had to put her down. I tried to stop Amos from killing Trepp but…"

The pain in Bobbie's eyes pulled at Chrisjen's heart. Whatever happened down there had obviously upset Bobbie. Again her team had been killed. This time she had contributed to it. Chrisjen hoped Bobbie didn't blame herself for Amos killing Trepp. If Amos wants to kill something there's no real stopping him, even Chrisjen knew that. 

"They're going to court martial me," Bobbie said in a low voice. "They'll discharge me…dishonorable. I'm not going to be a marine anymore."

Bobbie paused and a tear fell down her left cheek. Chrisjen knew how much effort it was taking Bobbie not to break down. Bobbie swiped away the tear and straightened her back so she sat up tall. 

"I'm going back to Mars. I have to own up for my part in it. I'll find a new way to serve Mars. I don't have to be a marine" Bobbie explained. 

Bobbie looked straight into the screen and tried to give a small smile. 

"I'll be okay," Bobbie said confidently. 

The video ended and Chrisjen set the hand terminal down. Bobbie wouldn't be okay. Bobbie was a marine. She would always want to be a marine. What would happen to her if she went back to Mars? Would they treat her right if she went back. Chrisjen picked the terminal back up and started recording a message. 

It would probably have been more appropriate to change into something other than her nightgown first, but it didn't matter. She knew Bobbie wouldn't care what she was wearing and she trusted Bobbie not to watch the video somewhere where others could see. 

"Bobbie don't go back to Mars" Chrisjen began. "If they're going to kick you out anyways don't go back. You deserve better than the way they treat you."

Chrisjen stopped to calm down. She didn't want to get riled up and make Bobbie angry. If she was calm maybe Bobbie would actually listen to her. 

"I'm sorry that your team died in The Ring. I'm sorry that you've lost another team. None of this is fucking fair, but I'm glad that you're safe. I want you to know you can always talk to me about anything" Chrisjen encouraged. "We'll figure this all out. The Ring I mean. These gates are going to mean trouble, but we'll figure it out."

Suddenly an idea popped in Chrisjen's head. If she was being honest she had thought about it before, but there hadn't been an excuse then. 

"Come to Earth. Don't go back to Mars. Come here" Chrisjen commanded. 

She ended the call and put the hand terminal on the side table. She hadn't looked at what time it was but she was still tired. She assumed if something did happen someone would find her. 

"Arjun" Chrisjen called out. 

As anticipated Arjun opened the door and came in. She had assumed he would be close by incase she needed anything or to come and scold her if she stayed on the terminal too long.

"Will you stay with me" Chrisjen asked quietly.

Chrisjen felt foolish asking for him like this. She was not usually one to need this kind of support, but this situation had her feeling lost. Ever since the Guanshiyin she had felt off her game. Even though she was waging a war in her head Arjun was calm and collected. Arjun didn't even have to reply to her request. He came over and climbed into the bed next to Chrisjen. He leaned over her to shut the lamp off and then pulled her to him. She snuggled into his body and closed her eyes. She wanted to feel safe for a little while even if it meant being weak.

It was the next day before she got another response from Bobbie. She was back in her office working. News of the gates opening to different systems had spread like wildfire. They were working to establish a blockade inferring of The Ring to keep anyone from going through. It was a joint effort between Earth, Mars, and the Belt. Chrisjen hoped it would work. Already many people were talking about going through the gates to settle the new worlds. 

She was in a meeting when the message popped up on her hand terminal. She had wanted to end the meeting then and kick everyone out, but she knew she couldn't. So impatiently she sat through the last twenty minutes of the meeting and rushed everyone out of her office. As soon as the door shut she pulled up the message and slipped it onto the larger screen at her desk.

Bobbie popped on the screen. She was wearing what looked like a black flight suit and it looked like she was still on the Roci. She was staring so intensely at the screen that Chrisjen almost felt like Bobbie could actually see her. It was unnerving. Bobbie sat so still that Chrisjen checked to make sure the video was playing. Why was she not say anything? Bobbie was making Chrisjen worry. Then Bobbie swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

“Ma’am, I’m going to Mars to answer for what I’ve done” Bobbie began. “I must do my duty to Mars. I cannot go to Earth. Please respect my choice.”

The video ended abruptly and Chrisjen was thrown. She tapped the screen to restart the video thinking there must have been something wrong with the clip. There must be more than that. The clip played again and ended just as it had before. That was all there was in the video. Bobbie had made herself clear. She was done talking about her decision and she would not be talking to Chrisjen anymore. Bobbie only ever called her ma’am when she was angry. Chrisjen had pushed too hard, she always pushed too hard.

“Fuck” Chrisjen grunted, throwing her hand terminal across the room. 

The terminal shattered against the wall and the pieces fell to the ground. She picked up a glass that was sitting on her desk and threw it against the wall and the pieces fell to the floor with the pieces of the terminal. She picked up a picture frame and threw it at the wall and it bounced off before landing on the floor. 

“Fuck” she screamed.

Three of her security team came rushing into the room and looked around. The scene before them stunned them for a second. They took in the broken items and then the angry expression on Chrisjen’s face. They stopped and put away their weapons.

“Ma’am are you injured” the lead guard asked.

Chrisjen was shaking she was so mad. All she wanted was to throw things at that wall until her hands bled. She wanted to scream until she had no voice left. In reality she wanted to get on the first ship and head towards The Ring so that she could deal with this whole shitshow in person.

“Get the fuck out” Chrsjen screamed.

The guards hesitated, but when Chrisjen picked up another picture frame they all left quickly. She looked at the frame in her hand and stopped. It was a picture of Charanpal. It was her favorite picture of him taken when he was a little boy. She pulled the frame to her chest and held it against her heart. She let herself down slowly until she was sitting on the floor.

Chrisjen felt like the ground was moving out from under her. Everything felt so fragile and uncertain. There were so many choices to be made and decisions to be agreed upon. Everything was moving faster than she could think. For the first time since Charanpal died she was struggling to keep up with the demands of Earth and its people. It was time for her to pull herself together.

Without getting up from the ground she started putting plans in place in her head. She would leave Bobbie alone like she wanted. First she would make sure that no matter what happened to Bobbie when she got back to Mars that she had a chance at something, even if Chrisjen had to pull some strings. After that she would stay focused on Earth and fighting like hell to keep Earth safe. The gates were bad news and she would do what she could to keep the system safe from the unknown threat. No more sentimentality allowed, she needed to harden again to become the Secretary General Earth needed.


End file.
